Stories – PPD & Rejection

Every month we get at least one email or phone call that follows a very similar pattern.  Sometime, either during the pregnancy or within a few months of birth, the dad starts to feel rejected by his partner.  Here are some typical examples:

“We did not have a perfect marriage, but it was pretty good.  About mid-pregnancy she wanted to leave, then she came back.   Our baby is 6 months old now, and she wants to leave again. She says she feels numb and disconnected from me….In every other way she seems to be normal.  Is it possible, that she seems happy in everything else she is doing, but she has singled me out?” 

Bruce

“I believe my wife is suffering from a postpartum mood disorder, but refuses treatment.  I have tried to convince her to see a psychiatrist because she may need medication, but she says her issues have nothing to do with any physiological issue.  She has asked me for a separation.  I am at a loss for where to turn.”

Jerry

Please visit the links on the side bar for some thoughts on dealing with rejection.  Also please visit  Stories From Dads .  As you will see reading through the stories, there are no easy answers for this problem.  These situations often lead to divorce and legal battles of over the children.

Sometimes the women are dealing with disorders other then PPD.  Many of the dads describe symptoms and behavior that may be attributed to Borderline Personality Disorder.  We highly recommend that you visit BPDCentral.com to learn about Borderline Personality Disorder.  We also highly recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason.  This is an excellent book for someone who is living with a partner with Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

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7 Responses to Stories – PPD & Rejection

  1. Patrick says:

    Hi my name is Patrick
    This website has given me some hope im not alone in all of this.Below is my story

    Me and my girlfriend have had our baby for about 7.5 months now. We had some trouble at the start because we werent really planning to have a child but she here and i love it. It was ok for the first two months with the new baby here and everything was going to go back to normal between my girlfriend and I assumed let me tell you I was so wrong. Where at the 7.5 month mark now and really have know physical contact but a kiss now and then. Finally after about 7 months we finally talked about what was happening with us and really i dont know anymore. She says shes not seeing me that way anymore but she will try to put the effort in to be more affectionate. I thought this whole thing would blow over but now im fighting to keep me in this thing. I am at the point i know it sound bad but just to walk away because the stress im under and the affection that im not having i really dont know if she wants to be with at all. If anyone has some input for me i really willing to stick it out and hope this turns around because i do really love her and i want this family to work.

  2. Richard Epp says:

    Someone please give me a good ending story!
    My wife gave birth to our 2nd child June 2010. A couple of months later she started to change. A friend mentioned postpartum but my understanding was that is when the mother harms her children and my wife would never do that.
    Being ignorant of PPD, I went on trying to be as nice as possible for the next 2 months. You know doing all the cooking, cleaning, etc.. Then we had a unimportant argument and the next day she took the kids (24 mo’s and 4 mo’s) and went to a shelter. That was over 3 weeks ago. I have seen my family since! The police came, there were no charges on me of any kind. A week later a detective from Child protective services came to my house with allegations of child abuse??? Their investigation was completed in 20 minutes. Obviously no child abuse. Later I was told by the investigator on my wife’s end that she was charging me with verbal abuse. OMG! What the hell is going on. The shelter won’t give me any information and nobody, including my wife believes that having 2 births in a 20 month span, her father passing the day after the 2nd birth, being from another country and missing her family and friends has nothing to do with what’s up with her!
    Can someone tell me how long it takes for a shelter to evaluate a new resident for PPD?
    Can someone tell me a short about their wives having PPD, being separated and getting back together and living happily ever after?
    I am at my wit’s end. I had the paramedic at my house yesterday. Was very close to going to the hospital. I fear I will end up there soon if I can’t get help and answers!
    Someone please email me with any help or good story. I love my wife and children more than life itself. I can’t live if we are not together!!
    Someone please help!

    • Lost Dad says:

      I have gone through exactly the same thing. After 3 months almost to the day after our child was born my wife left and went to a shelter also. I took me 4 weeks to see my child again and that was only after spending lots on a lawyer. My wife won’t talk to me but claims “emotional abuse”. Trust me there was no emotional abuse. All I did was try to figure out what was going on with our marriage and my wife completely cut me off, would not talk to me and basically shut down.

      I asked for marriage counseling but she did not want to do it.

      Unfortunately as I see it there is nothing we can do unless she wants to get help and go on meds.

      I never saw a depression as a problem but my wife did change and she is not the same person as she was before the child was born.

      All I can hope for is her friends and family point her in the right direction and she gets help. But god only knows what tales she is spinning with her family

  3. Dazedandconfused says:

    Need some help here. My wife is a wonderful woman and we’ve been blessed with a beautiful daughter. She’s 6 months old now and our days are as hectic as one would imagine. My wife, however is angry. Angry all the time angry and I am trying to understand why. I understand now that anger is a symptom of postpartum. Do anyone of you have any advice on how I can bring up the subject of seeking professional help? I do not want her to think I think she’s “crazy” because that’s not the case. Any tips anyone can give would be appreciated.

  4. Holly says:

    Dazedandconfused… I have been suffering from PPD for almost a almost a year with my 3rd child. The anger is not knowing what is going on within her own mind. Rage and anxiety is also very common and what I experienced alot, i would snap very easily at my older kids. I would get them all dressed, myself, get all the kids in the car and could not leave the driveway, that was the anxiety. I also had horrible insomnia and even though I was physically and mentally exhausted I could not sleep. It senseless worrying over anything and everything, followed by guilt.
    First step would be to call her OB or PCP and get her seen as soon as possible if you have not already. Then also some blood work to see how her hormones are and if her thyroid is working properly. She can go on meds or try an holistic approach If she works she can get covered under American disability act for the PPD. I would also speak with calmly, while child is in another room and express your concerns. Go to the doctor with her if she asks you to. My biggest compliant of my husband is that would ask me what I was feeling, i told and it was disregarded. All he wanted was dinner ready when he got home and sex. But, when a women has PDD sex is just not possible, it’s like a desert down there and not enjoyable for either member, especially Mom.
    Giver her sometime to herself, to either go to the mall, get a manicure, take an extra nap, do her hobby…. Babies are a huge adjustments and change to marriages. My husband and I almost split up a few times because the stress was bad.
    Patience is a must… because even with medication it does not go away in a few weeks. It is a long process that is horrific at times.
    Good Luck!!

  5. Frustrated in NH says:

    I have a 9 month old son. My wife and I spent years and years trying to conceive and trying fertility treatments just for the doctors to tell us they could not find a medical reason for us not conceiving. Then the other year we lost my Grandmother at Christmas and shortly after my wife’s 2 year old nephew was murdered. She had only seen him once because her and her sister are estranged. It was my wife’s sister’s boyfriend who murdered him over several weeks of extreme abuse. My sister in law walked away with no charges and my wife (and i) as want to be parents felt she was responsible. On our way home from the funeral my wife kept saying I may need to pull over for her to be sick. The next morning low and behold she was pregnant and through the majority of her first trimester. We had given up hope of being parents. My wife however spent the pregnancy scared this gift would be taken away. But sure enough we were blessed by Csection s beautiful 11 pound baby boy. He is the light of both our eyes. After the birth we went through the ups and downs of new parenthood. But in late fall it seemed our relationship was eroding. She always complained that she was stuck taking care of the bay and I was always at work. Over the last few months it has worsened. All we do is fight. All I get is attitude day in and day out. If I try to do anything with my son she micro manages me. She makes me feel like I can’t not parent my own son. This Mother’s Day things teally came to a head. I got her this two tone gold necklace marking her first Mother’s Day. I planned, prepared, and cooked a gourmet meal for her and my mom. She never said a word about the gift but “oh” nor did she say anything about the dinner. Though while I was prepping it she tried to micro manage me and complain she had to deal with the baby. Yesterday her and my mom went out and my mom pointed out that she could tell my feelings were hurt. My wife pointed out that all she feels inside is a rage and that she is the only one who takes care of the baby. My mom tried to point out that isn’t nearly the case but she says that that is the only way she sees it. She pointed out that I haven’t been putting him to bed and things like that. Which right now I can’t because I am healing from knee surgery so I can’t pickup and carry a 25 pound baby. But I spend most of my days sitting with him and playing with him etc. (I am out on medical). The only thing I haven’t been able to do is put him to bed and get him out of bed or carry him to the changing table and tub. But I do my best to care for him the rest of the time. My mom pointed this out and she acknowledged that but said she still only sees it as I do nothing and she is the only one who cares for the baby. But my mom said at the same time yesterday my wife wanted to go out of their way to bring me something home that would “make him happy”. My mom said she thinks my wife is dealing with postpartum depression and my wife told her she thinks the same thing. Looking at the symptoms I am wondering if that is the case. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it is that or is my marriage falling apart around me. If it is depression how do I keep it from ruining my marriage like so many stories I hear. Our son was something we wished for for years. Someone please help.

  6. NHBill says:

    I am the proud father of a 9 month old son. But since the birth of my son my relationship with my wife has been increasingly worse. I’m not sure where to begin. My wife and I tried for years to have a child of our own. We did fertility treatments and spent a lot of money chasing that dream only to have the doctors say they couldn’t find any reason why we weren’t conceiving. There was nothing medically wrong with either one of us but we just couldn’t conceive. We had given up. We looked at adoption but unless you have $40k+ laying around that isn’t an option. So we reluctantly accepted that we would only be parents of our fur babies. Then the other year we lost my Grandmother at Christmas. When it neared our birthdays we found out that my wife was pregnant. Our gift from my grandmother as we said. He is our miracle baby and our family all agreed my grandmother gave us one last gift. During the pregnancy my wife constantly worried that this gift would be taken away. But in July we had a healthy 11 pound baby boy. He has been the light of our eyes. After the pregnancy we had our normal ups and downs as new parents. But in the late fall things started to get worse. I have been thinking my marriage was eroding. All I got on a daily basis was an attitude from my wife. No matter what I did all I heard was I do nothing and she is the only one that cares for our son. But whenever I did anything with our son she would micromanage me making me feel like I couldn’t parent. There will periods of time where we don’t even speak. We have been physical less than a handful since she became pregnant. Since his birth that has been a no. This Mother’s Day I got her what I thought was an awesome gift to mark her first Mother’s Day but all she said was “oh.” I planned, prepared, and cooked a gourmet dinner for her and my mother. Not a word not even to say it was good. But she tried to micromanage me during the prep and while cooking complained that I was t taking care of the baby. Her and my mom went out yesterday and when my mom brought up seeing my feelings hurt, my wife knew but said she didn’t want anything. Then she confided in my mother that she thinks she has postpartum because all she feels inside is rage. She told my mom that she is the only one who cares for our son and I do nothing. When it was pointed out that that wasn’t the case she said that is how she see it. But my mom said my wife wanted to go out of her way to bring me something home that would “make him happy.” My mom said you could tell she knew she hurt me but she doesn’t know how to fix it. I am at a loss. I read the symptoms and some it seems like she has. But I don’t know what to do. Is it depression or is my marriage crumbling around me? If it is depression how do I keep it from destroying my marriage like so many other stories I hear and read about? Someone please help.

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