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5 Responses to Special Topics

  1. Dan Marshall says:

    I’m coming apart.

    My now ex-girlfriend Justine and I have been having some difficulties that pre-existed our baby being born 4 months ago. There have been arguments where she has broken things, screamed at the top of her lungs, cried out that she was being raped and attacked so the neighbors would call the police on me, and the list goes on and on.

    Since the baby has been born things have gotten worse. Up until very very recently she has refused treatment, claiming that she can beat what it was that she was going through, and she didn’t want to be “labelled”.

    I find myself now emotionally unable to deal with any of the things that she’s going through. My analogy for all of this is not unlike a swimming pool. I feel like she’s the pool of water and I’ve been trying to tread in it. Constantly, and without fail, I’ve had my head put underwater without adequate time to regain my breath.

    Justine and I broke up earlier this week, and she took the baby with her. I feel like I’ve been able to get out of the pool, but now she’s chasing me with a garden hose, and it’s making me afraid of the water.

    She’s agreed to get treatment, but she’s crying to me on the phone nearly daily about how she just wants her family back, and how I need to be super supportive, and how she wants to move back into the house.

    Unfortunately, I cannot bring myself to allow her to move back in. All I can think about is the constant arguing due to her inability to handle the normal activities of daily life. She has no friends outside of our relationship – she alienated all of them before we met. Her mother does not support her emotionally what-so-ever, is very controlling, and treats her like she’s a child (she’s 28). She doesn’t have a job, hasn’t finished college, and doesn’t have a car.

    Monetarily I have the ability to support her and the baby (and have been for our entire relationship), but I don’t know if I have the emotional shoulders to continue handling everything that she’s going through. Her instability is starting to cause physical changes with me. I’m developing depression and an anxiety disorder associated with her projecting, and I cannot take it anymore.

    Does anyone have a suggestion? I want to be as supportive as I can, but I can’t let her back into my life to the degree that it was. We haven’t gone a week in the last 6 months without some crazy blowout fight, and now it’s worse. Even now with her living out of the house I’ve had to field phone calls that end up with frustrated arguments about why she can’t just move back.

    Currently I pay for her cell phone, health insurance, and I’m giving her money every week for the baby. I’ve told her that if she gets treatment, and shows promising signs of progress, that I will let her move back in, but I can’t stand the arguing. I’ve been beaten down for too long.

    • Nathan says:

      You won’t like my suggestion, but don’t dismiss it too quickly. Marry her, shoulder the emotional burden, and teach her to rely on you instead of hurting you. She obviously can’t handle life on her own. Do everything with her best interests in mind–and remember that trusting and obeying you is in her best interests. This will take extraordinary patience as well as the strength not to be manipulated by her. It will suck sometimes. It will be worth it in the long run because your wife will be grateful for you, and your child will have a loving father in the home, as well as a sane mom.

      Love is self-sacrifice. Her family is clearly dysfunctional. Be her redeemer. What will happen to the baby if you let the mom go totally out of her mind?

      • Shadie says:

        Someone plz give me some insight on this…….
        Hello my name is shadie. I have recently been blessed with a beautiful baby girl. Bentlie Faith Souksavanh Searle was born- July/20th/2017 and is my fiancé and I first baby. We joyfully found out the great news of being pregnant last Christmas Eve!! I have never been so happy. So we started seeing a OBGYN regularly. As the months go by things have been great. July 19th at 3:45am her water broke so we rushed to the hospital. The time came for delivery and our beautiful baby girl was crowning. So I was right there emotionally supporting her because I could only imagine how scary it was for her. I mean wow I’ve never been so scared and happy. Once our baby girl was delivered, I cut the umbilical cord. Even though I was scared to because I didn’t want to accidentally do something wrong, but I wanted to experience giving the last step to the beginning of our baby girls life. The first time I set eyes on her she stole my heart! At that exact moment nothing else mattered, but my baby girl and fiancé. I then new the true feeling of love❤ as a father. I have always been a type of person who is usually happy and a go getter, who tries to always see the positive in any situation. But after we left hospital with our little girl I feel like things have changed. Don’t get me wrong I am so happy and blessed to have my daughter, and my fiancé is a great mom. But for some reason I feel so bummed out lately and sad. I feel discluded from everything. We moved in with my fiancé parents to get help while we saved up for a home for our family. My fiancé is Laotian and her parents first language Laos. They no English but they speak Lao all the time with her. So I feel like I’m never included in on anything. Idk why but I feel so alone and left out that my heart hurts. But I know that I should not feel this way because I have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful fiancé. Even knowing this I still can’t help how I feel. I feel as if I’m less important to my fiancé then her parents are or even our daughter. I feel like my opinion doesn’t mean much and that her’s and her parents opinion is what counts now. Her and I have always been a team. We have always made decisions and choice’s together. Her and I were one another’s other half. But now why do I not feel equal to her. I am so sad and my heart is hurt, because I am the one who loved being there 100% of the way. I was there with her at our OBGYN appointments, and I was the one who loved talking care of her when she was hurting or not feeling good. I was there holding her hair back out of her face when she had morning sickness and was getting sick. We went through everything together as a team. Even though sometimes when her hormones made her grumpy and mad and she was grumpy or mad to me. My feeling’s may feel hurt but I knew she didn’t mean it and that I couldn’t begin to imagine what she is going through while being pregnant. I would take her hand and hug her tight while brushing my fingers through her hair telling her it’s okay I’m right here, that I got you baby and I will always be here. But now i can’t stop feeling like i matter less than I use to………. I’m so sad and I keep being distant even though I try and try my hardest not to be. I feel insecure and depressed. I have never been depressed like this. I take everything personal to the heart and my feeling’s get hurt. I heard about (PPD)
        and I googled the symptoms. Is it possible for Dad to get (PPD)? I think I have it………… What do I do?? I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

  2. Steve says:

    i feel exactly where you are coming from except we havent broken up yet and still live together. Ive told her i was going to leave because i couldnt handle her anxiety attacks and the constant OCD question/answer sessions which feel like two broken records fighting each other. And of course she fires back with, “So what you are just going to leave us with no car no money and no home??” I feel so guilty and no matter how much effort i put forward, it doesnt make up for her share. Im sorry you are going through this.

  3. Jeremy says:

    My wife struggled with depression for a good portion if her life, and when we got married 7 long years ago, I was greeted by a completely different person who was angry and hateful towards me.

    She wouldn’t cook or clean, and often talking about it led to her physically hitting me, and not in a cute way she’d hit me in the face and a few times I had to get a kitchen knife out of her hands.

    We went for counseling and the violence stopped. I’ve been a burden bearer for 7 years and I’m tired and weary and unsupported and underappreciated. Everytime she says I’m not the man she married or that I used to be patient I get really angry. My patience has run thin and Ive gotten bitter over the years.

    She first got treatment while she was 7 months pregnant with my son after throwing a hot plate of spaghetti at me in reaction to me venting about the condition of the house and the lack of initiative for meal planning.

    Medication, it worked…for the most part until my wife found out she was pregnant. At this point she gave up on the promising business we’d spent 2 years preparing for and had spent thousands of dollars investing in equipment and supplies, leaving behind a huge following and numerous potential customers.

    In exchange she just stayed at home, didn’t clean or cook and spends much of the time in bed or resting. Our daughter was born 9 months ago and I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. She’s changed her medication twice in the past 2 months and I’m losing my battle with endurance.

    There many important things that need to be taken care of but I lack the emotional energy to do them when I solely do the domestic work at home and work full time and handle bed time without sex or emotional input from my wife.

    We are spending more money then we have on take out because I’m losing the ability to cope.

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