Phil’s Story

December 2 my wife fell into this black hole of PPD and we are still very far from success. She left me on that day on a “family trip”. I thought everything was normal. 2 days later I received the legal papers she filled on the way out of town. She wanted everything and the 2 girls. She attempted to take up residence with her sister and her parents are very much involved.

Since December 2 she has called 911 on me twice, filled a domestic violence restraining order against me, and has cut off all communication between her family and I. Like your other dads I have done nothing at all to deserve this.

Our youngest daughter was 5 months old when she left.  My wife had a very bad bought with breastfeeding and mastitis (a clogged duct breast infection) for those 5 months. She refused to stop breast feeding and was very sick and alone during those 5 months. I should have seen it coming. I did all I could during that time but It was also the worst time for our busy season at my job. She got depressed, bottled it in, and blew up after Thanksgiving weekend. She also had thyroid problems after our first child, which I know is affecting this PPD, but can not prove.

The counseling we are receiving is not very helpful due to the laws, what my wife is willing to share, and what the counselor can not share from her individual sessions.  Counseling is a long story in itself. She has a graduate degree in counseling and she is very resistant to being diagnosed. She will not discuss PPD with me. Thankfully in mid February I got her to drop the court case. The completely false and unwarranted restraining order was dropped before it went before a judge.

We have sold our house paid off her car and my wife and daughters are now living in an apartment in town. I am living at my parents on the far north side of town and I have changed my position at work that allows me more time, but at a lower pay. May will be our 11 year wedding anniversary. This is a nightmare.

While there has been no sign of any danger to the girls, all other symptoms are obvious to me. The wife I am dealing with does not at all behave like my wife of 10 years. I thank God that I have lived my life in a way to not have any significant reason for her doing this. (abuse of any kind, infidelity, etc) Your website helps me to see that I am not alone and my concerns are legitimate and real. There are only a few friends of hers that I can show this site to.

My assumption is that even if she were diagnosed with PPD she is, or would try, to treat it homeopathically. She would resist taking any drugs.  I am certain of the homeopathic treatment advice she would receive from her mother. After reading all the info on this site I now see and understand why our counseling has felt like it is going nowhere.  Until I get her on some medication, I am dealing with an irrational person who sees things very distorted. Our counselor refuses to see and understand that fact, and my wife refuses to go to any one else. So my hands are tied with family, professionals and almost completely with her friends.

I am alienated from my ability to help her. This website helps me to show others what it is, and why this is happening. It helps them to see and understand why I am holding on after all she has done and is doing. My oldest daughter just turned 4 and this has been so hard on her. Although this email is long, it only scratches the surface of the details of my nightmare. Help me further if you can.

1 Week Later

Yes I am seeing a counselor or 2. I also have the associate pastor of my church and another very close friend helping me. I have not been at all near any depression like state. I am getting glimpses now of what that would be like. I am a very happy easy going guy who always sees the positives in a situation. That is changing a little, and it is strange.

2 Weeks Later

I am on my final rung of this ladder. The end of my rope. I received the Dear john letter yesterday. We spoke on the phone afterwards. I confronted her with the fact that she has PPD. She denied it with great pride. My family is being ruined and I have nothing more I can give. Her parents and sisters family have completely shut me out. My wife and I are meeting with an OBGYN today that told her she didn’t have it several months ago and based only on the questions he asked her. Now that so much time has gone by and her actions are showing her condition. I am praying that he will see the PPD after he hears of her thyroid levels and see your website pages that I have printed out. After today I will have no more strength.

2 Years Later

I am very divorced now. She took the children to Memphis, which is 4 hours away. Needless to say I did give up. The one thing I need to make very clear is that PPD mixed with any other past childhood abuse can set off a bomb that was manageable before the PPD. She has broken a family that will never be back together. I have had a lot of time and space to reflect. It has been 2 years since she walked out and I can honestly say I am free.

I can also say so are my daughters. I get visitation and I am very glad that they are not having to see a father that has no respect from their mother. I would be glad for you to use my story. It is the truth. My counselors, friends and family are all very glad to see how much better I have been since about 2 months (almost a year and a half) since my last email to you. I made a decision to stop looking to her for hope and I moved on. My daughters have a father who truly knows the meaning of the serenity prayer. I now have the wisdom to know the difference.

I am in a relationship now that is more healthy than I could ever have dreamed. A woman with a healthy family past and a true gift a communication would always be better equipped to handle PPD. I say that because you are free to have talks ahead of time. You can work out a contract just in case. you do have the respect and adoration that is needed to get through any little or large thing.

My daughters now see a happy and strong father that doesn’t walk on egg shells around a mother. Although I was trying to be strong before I wasn’t allowed to be. I’m glad for them. There are some people in this world that do not know how to be happy. It just doesn’t make sense to them. Then give that person PPD and you soon realize just how much it’s all out of your hands.  

This email sounds bitter when I reread it but it’s not. I am very happy. I did go through some brief depression when the reality hit but I made it through with no assistance from drugs. I would have gladly taken them if it had gotten to that level. It was actually nice to read the attached emails just to see how far I have come and remember just how hard it was. Sometimes staying in a bad thing is just bad.

3 Responses to Phil’s Story

  1. Henry says:

    Same thing happen to me…& my wife had childhood issues.

    We had an argument after she became abusive & kept repeating, “I need to go, I need to take the baby.”

    She finally did take our baby boy to her parents and demanded I move out.
    I was left homeless & utterly heart broken & my wife simply couldn’t give a damned how I felt. Its like she has no capacity for love or empathy at all & she sees me as the enemy.

    She has become extremely paranoid and has made wild accusations about me which are entirely false. I now think in her mind she actually thinks those things happened & I suspect she has undergone some kind of postnatal psychosis.

    She claims to be afraid of me and will not have me near the house. I can only see my son is at a mutual friends house one day a week & I have to drive for 4 Hours to get there & back. It’s exhausting & each time I get there I arrive hoping she might show some affection but I get a very, icy cold shoulder & if I’m lucky she will openly mockk me.

    I desperately want my wife & child back but I feel powerless. I’m tempted to call the social worker in but I’m also trying very hard to rescue the relationship & don’t want to push my wife further away & she is looking after the baby very well.

    Surely this must be simply a bad dream!:0

  2. John says:

    My son is going thru similar situation right now. Divorce pending. Post Partum/thyroid problems obvious. Any advice. We understand your helpless feeling.

  3. Smith says:

    Never forget, this is your wife that you love, she is not well, so you need to be incredibly patient.

    Never shout or loose your temper.

    “Kindness, patience & perspective.”

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