Thank God I found your website and can read about other dads going through some of what I am going through. If you could lend support or an encouraging email I would be so thankful. Basically my wife suffers from major depressive disorder and has been medicated even prior to our marriage or baby. I knew that this meant it was even more likely that she would suffer from PPD, which I feel she is suffering from.
For the past year and a half it’s been a living hell living with her. She didn’t want to take her anti-depressants while pregnant for fear of harming the baby and now that she’s had the baby 6 months ago she still is not taking them because she is breastfeeding and doesn’t want to hurt the baby.
All the while our marriage has gone to hell. We got pregnant only 2 months after getting married. This is my wife’s second marriage and so for the majority of our marriage my wife has been depressed. She suffers from a more agitated depression that makes her angry, moody, irritable, and blaming.
We’ve had our share of problems since being married, some of which are my fault, but it seems that in my wife’s eyes, everything is my fault. Especially now, I can’t say or do anything without it being taken the wrong way and being told how horrible I am to her. She tells me now that she regrets our marriage every day of her life and wishes we could get divorced. She thinks that everything is my fault, no matter what it is, and that I am mean, cruel, abusive, you name it.
Things that do happen, she sees only part of the whole picture so as to find fault in me where there really isn’t any. She sees reality completely different than it really is. She keeps revisiting an issue we had where I made a mistake, but overlooks the role she played in contributing to it. She tells her therapist and all her friends how horrible I am and gets all of them to agree with her and tell her that they are all amazed that she stays with me at all. Basically I’m vilified and I just wish I could say “hey” you don’t know the whole story, she’s only telling you the parts she want’s you to hear.
I feel alone. I question my own sanity. Is she really right about me? Am I really so horrible of a husband as she says I am? She sees the things she says about me and our marriage with just enough truth to make me really wonder. Deep down I know it’s her depression, but I’m loosing strength and am question myself and if I am a horrible monster she and all her friends think I am.
I know I have made mistakes but I think I treat her really well, am very loving, etc. But all that gets overlooked. All she remembers is the conflicts, the mistakes, and she overlooks the good things about me, the good things I’ve done, the good times we’ve had.
I found a letter she wrote to her ex husband in a book she was journaling in. I know I shouldn’t have read her journal, but I just wanted to try and figure her out and find out what’s going on with her. She wrote that she “misses” him and at that point I stopped reading. It broke my heart. This is a guy she had always told me was mean and abusive to her and treated her horribly, now she’s writing him and saying she “misses” him? Is all this normal for depression? What’s going on. What do I do? She has an appointment with a psych. on Monday so hopefully she’ll get back on meds.
The worst part of all this is that she’s great at playing the role of a completely healthy person who doesn’t have any issues and that I’m the problem. She can deceive all her friends and her own therapist into believing she’s fine and I’m horrible. What am I to do? Just wanted to hear some encouragement from someone who’s gone through what I’m going through. Just want support and to hear that I’m not crazy. Thanks.
6 Months Later
Well, I wish I could say that everything is better and back to normal but the truth is that we’re going on a year after our daughter’s birth and my wife is still depressed. Though she was prescribed a med by her doctor a few months ago to treat her depression it is one that is “breastfeeding safe” and not very effective for her depression. She tells me that she will wean our daughter by her 1st birthday. That is a month or so from now. Then she says she will go on her old meds again. I can’t wait to see if it really makes a difference. I know that when she was medicated before our marriage her depression was much more controllable.
The hardest part of it all is the drastic change in mood. One day she tells me how much she loves me, how great I am, how she ‘needs’ me. And then the next morning she swings 180 degrees and says that she wishes she could divorce me. I try now not to react either way. When she praises me I take it with a grain of salt because I know that it can turn on a dime.
My advice for any men out there who have wives who already suffer from depression or mental illness is to try and convince them prior to birth NOT to breastfeed. If I had known that I would spend two years of my life, my entire marriage so far, with an unmedicated depressed wife I would have fought tooth and nail to convince her breastfeeding was not the right choice for us.
I pray daily that I will one day get my wife back.
There are plenty of medications that are perfectly safe to take while breastfeeding. Most medications given for depression are safe, so it sounds like your wife’s doctor just isn’t aware of what is really “safe” and what is not. As a mother, breastfeeding has been a wonderful thing and I feel it has actually helped my depression, so I encourage all mothers and fathers to support and encourage breastfeeding, even in a depressed mother.
Paul, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the previous post regarding safe medications. Sounds like you may have some hope when she goes back on her regular meds.
Regarding breastfeeding, I only breast-fed for about a month, and even then, felt like an inadequate mother because I didn’t produce enough and had to supplement with formula. Supporting is one thing, but one of the most horrific disservices of the entire birth experience was the pressure to breastfeed. Breastfeeding is not rainbows and sunshine for every mother, especially a depressed one, and the professed health benefits over formula are extremely questionable and biased.
Do not press the BF issue, it will make things worse.
…..your describing my wife…..I can’t believe I’ve found other people who are going through the same thing!
My wife just gave birth to our first child recently and her mood swings and attitude have been out of control. She is breast feeding round the clock and barely sleepS, which is likely adding to her terrible mood. I am trying my best to be a loving husband and new father, but she makes it very difficult.
I am an avid biker and take long rides probably two times a week (3-4 hours each time and usually early morning), which I know my wife can’t stand to begin with.. Since our child was born 2 weeks ago, if I even mention riding, she gets very angry with me and yells, cries, etc. Not sure if this is due to her emotions going crazy or if the thought of me doing something I enjoy while she is breast feeding/taking care of our newborn is what causes this. I feel like I’m going crazy/trapped and it’s only been 2 weeks. Anyone experience a similar situation? Thanks
That is MY wife, yet my wife would never take medication because it’s everyone else (ME) that has the problem, not her. Our son was born only 5 weeks ago and she said she’s announcing she is divorcing me to her mom and family this Saturday – Christmas Eve! I’m beyond devastated. We are in counseling and it was going great prior to our son’s birth, we took a month hiatus, now it’s worse than ever. She is SO angry and hateful. I’ve literally cried so much because I’m in so much pain over it all. She knows I’m hurting yet keeps on me to make it even worse. I have tried to be loving to her and calm and peaceful and she tell me she hates me…then, she will tell me she loves me and be nice for a minute, then reverts back to hating me! She hates my parents, says I choose them over her, which isn’t true! She says that because I’m forgiving of my mom over some things she said to ME (not my wife). She says I don’t care about her. I tell her how beautiful she is and give her affirmation daily. I sent her an article on PPD a week ago and she told me to go fly a kite. When our counselor mentioned it to her, she screamed out NO I DON’T HAVE THAT!
I’m in hell. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I am in the boat guys! My wife is having an affair and is running from the baby! She is playing to her family but she definatley is missing the connection. She blames me that I don’t desire her and she ended up comforting our friend who was going through a divorce and now she is “in Love” and wants me to divorce her. I get the felling alone part!!! From her doctors to her family nobody will listen. I am now questioning my sanity. She suffered depression through the pregnancy and has been seeing a psych but keeps telling me “i have not been diagnosed”. Try living with her! She is far from the woman I married 6 years ago. She has a drinking problem and went right back to it at the baby’s 8th week of life. I am scared to death I want my wife back and it is looking grim! PLEASE tell me I am not nuts!
My wife dumped me after the baby was only 3 and a half months old. I came home one day from work and she was sitting on the ground. Then she went to her bed and pulled the covers over her head. When I tried to comfort her and ask what was wrong she asked me to leave, told me that she wanted a break. Since then she has only communicated with me rarely it is now nearly 3 months and she hasn’t allowed me access to see my new daughter. I don’t understand it. Does anyone know why this might have happened?
Paul, i wish I could tell you the magic solution, I didn’t find it myself. Learn all you can, be as loving as you can and find support from knowledgeable people. PSI is a wonderful resource, use their help in all ways you can. Know that what you and she experience is not your fault, not your wife’s fault, and that it will get better. Help her to feel secure in her home, secure with you, that you care immensely for her and your daughter. Know that it gets very difficult for husbands too, don’t take it personally.. you are in a ‘storm’. yes, Learn and love.
any comments would be greatly appreciated.